It's Hard

It's Hard.  Period. The End.  Everything is hard. Life is hard.  We just have to pick and choose the hard that we want to overcome.  One at a time.  We can't do it all at once.  Small goals that bring us little successes closer to the big goals.

I only weigh myself once a week.  That way I am not totally obsessing over the number on the scale and the little fluxuations that happen naturally depending on the time of the month and don't discourage me from the ultimate goal.  So I got on the scale the day after posting last week. 

I lost 5 lbs!

I was so happy.  All my hard work started to pay off.  It actually made me want to work harder.  Then the next day I woke up so sick I couldn't get out of bed.  I have been fighting a sinus thing for this whole last week and couldn't breathe well enough to really get into it.  I still try to do the other things that I would do throughout the day, but I am almost sure that I have gained all those 5 lbs back, or maybe just part of it. 

However, being sick this week has taught me something.  I noticed that the days that I don't exercise, I don't eat as well.  When I exercise, I feel good about myself and then think more of the good things that I need to put into it.  When I don't exercise, I don't feel as good, which means then I start craving the bad things.  Weird, isn't it.  It makes it extra hard to eat right on those non-exercise days. 

I can do hard things.

I can do it.  I will make it happen and again I am starting fresh this next Monday as I can finally breathe again.  It is never too late for a fresh start.  It doesn't even have to be at the beginning of the year, or the month, or the week.  Any day you want can be your fresh start day. 

Sometimes I feel so discouraged on the days that I haven't been strong enough to resist the food I don't need.  I only eat it because I know it tastes good, and not because I am hungry.  It is reprograming your mind.  When I get stressed with my kids (which is every day) my brain says, you need chocolate, you deserve it after cleaning up the 5th potty accident of the day and it's only 10am.  But I don't! I have to reprogram my brain. However, if I slip, I can try harder the rest of the day.  A fresh start doesn't even have to start at the beginning of the day. It just has to start.  Just say to yourself, I will do better.  That is all you need to do.  Do a little better everyday and it will pay off in the end.

POA

So I've come up with a Plan Of Action and calling it my POA. (I like acronyms)

First off, I have to remind myself that this is not a quick fix.  It is hard that things take a long time as we live in a Veruca Salt kind of world.  We want it now...enter fad diets and quick surgeries.  The unfortunate part is that people don't realize what these types of things do to your body. Without a lifestyle change, those "quick fixes" mean nothing.  Most just yo-yo back and forth in weight, which isn't good for your body either.  I am definitely guilty of that.  You have to be ready to change.

I am ready to change.

I am changing what I do. 
I used to have my kids run up the stairs for me quick to get something.  Now, I have to catch what I am saying, and do it myself.  I try to go up and down the stairs as much as I can every day.  I try to pick up as many things as possible, as bending over lots exercises my core.  I try and do squats as I clean to help. 
I also get up and exercise.  Like real exercising.  If I don't do it in the morning, it doesn't happen.  I try to get somewhere between 15 and 30 minutes of cardio in, then if I have time, do something else like abs, legs, arms, core, etc. Those are harder to do.  I would prefer to be starting breakfast as my kids get up so they can have a healthy breakfast too.  Ideally it would be nice to be showered and ready for the day before they get up as well.  Most days that doesn't happen, but I would like it to.

I am changing what I eat. 
This is one of the hardest things for me.  I love food.  And I mean really LOVE food.  I love to cook and bake and decorate cakes, and cupcakes.  I also love to eat what I make, because it tastes good.  After my second baby I had really decided to try out this Mediterranean diet.  I wasn't a huge fan of the recipes, but the portion control was what got me.  I was able to lose about 20 lbs. just doing portion control without exercise.
I am back on that bandwagon.  I am trying not to tell myself that I can't have anything.  I have noticed on the days that I am doing good with my portions and eating the right types of food, I don't crave or even think about sweets and junk that I otherwise want after a meal. 

I am changing how I feel about myself.
While losing weight is a great thing, and being healthy an even better one, the most important is that I learn to care for myself.  If I truly love myself, the other things will come that much easier.  So in a way, I am doing the former two so that I can change how I feel about myself and vice versa. 
However, I am also doing other things that help me recognize my self worth a little more.  I am studying my scriptures more and better.  This has helped immensely.  I am a child of God.  This is never so evident as when I am studying His words.  I am saying prayers more often.  I know that He is there, I know that He knows me, and I know that He loves me.

By doing these things, I know that I will get results.  I know that they won't come quickly, but they will come if I keep doing it.  I just have to be like Dori and "just keep swimming."

One on one

Sometimes I think that I am failing as a parent.  And then there are some days that I feel like a winner.  Today was a bipolar day. 

This morning started out great.  I slept in just a little bit because I had felt like I was starting to get sick, and was still able to exercise.  Then in a great turn of events I was able to take just my oldest with me to finish some scouting stuff and grocery shopping.  I really enjoy spending this time with my kids.  I don't get to do it very often because we have a busy life.  They really come out of their shells when we do this. 

We got to go visit the Blue Whale of Catoosa on Route 66.  It was fun to see him explore by himself.  If I didn't have the baby with me, I would have done more with him.  Even grocery shopping gives us giggly fun time.  Spending this time with them helps me remember how good they are and how much I love them.

And so it begins...

As my first post on here, I am going to really throw myself out there.  I am feeling very vulnerable about things and this is really my journey for weight loss. 

This is me.

After the birth of our sixth child last year, I felt broken.  It was the hardest pregnancy I had with all my children, things just didn't feel right the whole time.  Labor was different than all the others.  Thankfully she came out normal with no problems.  But now recovery is even harder. 

I have never really had too much trouble with the baby blues, until this time.  There were days more often than not that I locked myself in my room with my baby for hours at a time.  My oldest held down the fort with the other kids because he is amazing like that.  I didn't want to do anything, let alone get out of bed.  I had no clothes that fit, which didn't help and I felt totally alone even though I was surrounded by other people. 

I felt like a failure.

And I didn't want anyone to know.  I didn't feel like myself, I felt broken.  I didn't like to do anything that I had previously loved.  I hated cooking and even thinking of being in the kitchen.  I had no desire to sew anything or use any of my cute craft projects.  I am grateful for good friends, my sweet husband, and loving mom, and other family that really helped me get through the roughest part. 

Is it over?  No.  Do I still struggle on a daily basis?  Yes.  Can I get through it? Yes, with time and love.  Not only other people loving me, which I see all the time, but me loving myself.  I have always, my whole life, struggled with that.  Love myself...but I know all my flaws, weaknesses...how can I love that?  I'm working on it.  It is a daily battle, but I am working on it.  Some days I win.  Some days I lose.  But if I can win more often than not, then that is progress.

With the PPD I have been fighting, weight has been another thing.  I feel broken. After almost four months post partum, I have not lost any weight.  I try to fight everyday.  My man bought me a home workout machine so that I could more easily work out.  I love it.  I use it every day.  My endurance increases everyday.  I feel stronger. 

No weight loss.

I am the biggest I have ever been, and that is hard.  I had to buy a size of clothes I never thought I would have to, and can't find pants that really fit comfortably.  So here I am, out there, vulnerable, trying to change. 

This is my journey, starting today to change forever.  No quick fixes here.  This is going to be a lifestyle change.  To be healthy...to be happy...to be confident.  And most importantly, to love myself..

As an introduction to this blog, I have decided to start it for several reasons.  For one, I am horrible at keeping a journal, Two, I feel that writing down my journey may help me sort things out in my head.  Finally, I feel it will give me some sort of accountability.

With that being said, let me introduce myself and family.  My name is Melissa.  I am married to a wonderful man who takes care of me and our family.  Together we have 6 children...yes 6...1 boy and 5 girls ranging in age from 10 down to 4 months.  We live in the south/Midwest transplanted from the west coast.  We have lived all over the country and loved the experiences we have gained. 

I love to craft, cook, bake, decorate cakes, and sew.  We also homeschool 4 out of the 6 children (the other two are too young). Life is good and we love it.  As I get better at this blogging thing, I will reorganize this blog to make it more useful for me and anyone that happens to read it.  I am just still new to all of this.

So come join me on my journey through life of homeschool, cooking, getting healthy with possibly even some weight loss.  It will be a wild ride I promise.