And so it begins...

As my first post on here, I am going to really throw myself out there.  I am feeling very vulnerable about things and this is really my journey for weight loss. 

This is me.

After the birth of our sixth child last year, I felt broken.  It was the hardest pregnancy I had with all my children, things just didn't feel right the whole time.  Labor was different than all the others.  Thankfully she came out normal with no problems.  But now recovery is even harder. 

I have never really had too much trouble with the baby blues, until this time.  There were days more often than not that I locked myself in my room with my baby for hours at a time.  My oldest held down the fort with the other kids because he is amazing like that.  I didn't want to do anything, let alone get out of bed.  I had no clothes that fit, which didn't help and I felt totally alone even though I was surrounded by other people. 

I felt like a failure.

And I didn't want anyone to know.  I didn't feel like myself, I felt broken.  I didn't like to do anything that I had previously loved.  I hated cooking and even thinking of being in the kitchen.  I had no desire to sew anything or use any of my cute craft projects.  I am grateful for good friends, my sweet husband, and loving mom, and other family that really helped me get through the roughest part. 

Is it over?  No.  Do I still struggle on a daily basis?  Yes.  Can I get through it? Yes, with time and love.  Not only other people loving me, which I see all the time, but me loving myself.  I have always, my whole life, struggled with that.  Love myself...but I know all my flaws, weaknesses...how can I love that?  I'm working on it.  It is a daily battle, but I am working on it.  Some days I win.  Some days I lose.  But if I can win more often than not, then that is progress.

With the PPD I have been fighting, weight has been another thing.  I feel broken. After almost four months post partum, I have not lost any weight.  I try to fight everyday.  My man bought me a home workout machine so that I could more easily work out.  I love it.  I use it every day.  My endurance increases everyday.  I feel stronger. 

No weight loss.

I am the biggest I have ever been, and that is hard.  I had to buy a size of clothes I never thought I would have to, and can't find pants that really fit comfortably.  So here I am, out there, vulnerable, trying to change. 

This is my journey, starting today to change forever.  No quick fixes here.  This is going to be a lifestyle change.  To be healthy...to be happy...to be confident.  And most importantly, to love myself..