Drowning

There are so many times as a parent that I feel like I am drowning.  I constantly think about Jim Gaffigan and his stand ups about having 4 children (and I have two more).  He says "Imagine you're drowning, then someone hands you a baby." I feel like that a lot of days. 

Last week was a rough week. I struggled in so many ways.  I just felt out of it constantly, and so easily frustrated.  I couldn't wake up in the morning, and I was going to bed at 9pm most nights.  I couldn't even force myself to exercise.  Everything made me angry.  I felt like my kids were out to get me, not listening on purpose, my husband didn't care how I felt.  Was any of that true? Of course not.  I have the best husband in the world that cares about me deeply and would do anything for me.  I know that my kids love me, but just have mom deafness (still trying to work on that).  In my logical brain, I know that.  My emotional brain it is a lot harder to convince. 

By Friday, I had just about had it.  I was ready to give in and throw in the towel.  We had planned to go down to Oklahoma City and attend the LDS temple.  I wanted to go.  It had been so long since we have been able to go. I got things together as it is would be at least a 6 hour round trip, but I did it begrudgingly.  The morning of was still stressful, and I still didn't feel up to par emotionally.  But I did it, and we went.

It wasn't until we were in the middle of the session at the temple that I truly felt the spirit.  As I got into the celestial room the spirit was so strong. 

The celestial room in the temple is a very special sacred place.  It is a symbol of the peace we can receive by living the gospel of Jesus Christ.  The spirit of the Lord is always so strong in there.  It is a place that I never want to leave.  And a place that I always learn something new about myself.

I know I have a long way to go, and I have a lot that I need to improve on, but I didn't come away from the temple feeling overwhelmed or out of control as I had the past week.  I felt uplifted.  I knew that the Lord was on MY side and was there to help me when I need it.  But I also know that it will not be easy.  There will still be days when I want to quit.  There will still be times that I feel overwhelmed, probably frequently.  It will never be easy, but it will be possible...as long as I can lean on Him and not try to do it all by myself. 

One on one

Sometimes I think that I am failing as a parent.  And then there are some days that I feel like a winner.  Today was a bipolar day. 

This morning started out great.  I slept in just a little bit because I had felt like I was starting to get sick, and was still able to exercise.  Then in a great turn of events I was able to take just my oldest with me to finish some scouting stuff and grocery shopping.  I really enjoy spending this time with my kids.  I don't get to do it very often because we have a busy life.  They really come out of their shells when we do this. 

We got to go visit the Blue Whale of Catoosa on Route 66.  It was fun to see him explore by himself.  If I didn't have the baby with me, I would have done more with him.  Even grocery shopping gives us giggly fun time.  Spending this time with them helps me remember how good they are and how much I love them.