It has been a while...

Yes, it has been a while since I have blogged. 

Let me explain why.  Life.  That's why.  That is why my house isn't always clean.  That is why we sometimes eat cheese-its and apple juice for lunch.  That is why I don't always get to exercise.  It is also why sometimes I don't get a shower, or get to get really ready for the day.

I have 6 kids.  They are all about two years apart and although it is fun and I wouldn't change it for anything, it makes it hard sometimes.  I love it though.  If I didn't love it, I wouldn't have done it. 

Recently I have had some "health" issues.  Kind of crazy actually.  I all of a sudden got this crazy infection in my leg called an abscess.  For those who don't know, an abscess is a pocket, if you will, of puss and infection under the skin, and is REALLY painful.  In order for it to get better it has to drain.  Sometimes it does this on its own, and sometimes it has to be drained by a doctor.  Mine was the latter.  It had to be sliced open, drained, and then kept open so it could continue to drain without leaving the infection inside.  That was rough.  I could hardly walk, or sit, or lay, or move for about a week. 

I guess it kind of serves me right.  My husband had this same kind of thing when he was in school.  He was trying to "be a man" about it I guess, and didn't communicate with me much about what was happening until I had to take him to the hospital and went through numerous surgeries for a horseshoe shaped abscess around his colon.  It was rough on him, but I didn't know.  He didn't tell me.  Now I understand, and I kept telling him how sorry I was that he went through all of that and his was 1000x worse than what I had.  The next week of recovery I was doing pretty good. I could exercise a little again, I could be up and around and I was really able to control my eating again.

I love basketball.  I love watching it (college, that is), and I really love playing it.  A group of friends and I joined a basketball tournament that we have been practicing for for a couple of months.  I was really excited and kind of nervous to play.  The tournament was this last Saturday and we had a blast.  There were 4-5 teams, and it was double elimination.  First team we beat pretty soundly.  It was fun.  I was so excited to play.  The second game was more of a competition.  It was a good team and we had to fight hard.  It was still fun! I loved it.  My aggression was really coming out.  Basketball is the place where my competitive and aggressive side shines through.  I was trying to rebound, and post up, and go for loose balls.  Apparently my mind still thinks I am still in my basketball prime...its not.  I was chasing after a loose ball.  My hand reached out for it, I was almost there.  My foot planted and my lower leg went in, and upper leg stayed still. 

I consider myself to have pretty high pain tolerance, and it was excruciating!  I collapsed and was down for the count.  Although it was a different kind of pain, it was definitely on the same level as child birth.  My toes lost feeling quickly and I felt like I couldn't move them. 

I am so grateful that my husband was there.  I go through pain much better with him around.  Thankfully there was a medical student there that knew what he was doing and checked out my knee.  He said he thinks that it is just a MCL sprain, which is the ligament on the inside of the knee.  He told me to use RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevate) and give it time. 

So needless to say, I am down for the count.  My knee is swollen, and I can't move it all too much without pain.  I definitely cannot put weight on it.  My brain says it should be healing faster than it is.  But in all reality, it has only been a little over 36 hours.  They take time. 

So for now, I am hobbling around on crutches and trying really hard to not eat my feelings.  That is much harder.  I hurt and want comfort, and chocolate chips.. :)  I eat what I have around me.  I need to change what is around me. 

Snacking

I love food.  I hate food.  I love food... and the battle goes on.

Food is my arch enemy.

I have a definite love hate relationship with food.  I love food, I love to make good food.  I hate that I eat too much of it just because it tastes good.  I hate that it makes me "feel good" when I am stressed or sad.  Especially late at night. 

I don't know what really caused this in my life.  Food is a comfort for me...or maybe a control.

In high school, there was a point where I felt like I lost control of my life.  I struggled with anorexia.  I wanted boys to like me, they didn't.  All my friends started going different ways my junior year, instead of my senior.  I didn't really feel like I had any good friends besides my mom.  So that is who I hung out with my senior year.  I worked a lot, I hung out with my mom, and I ate nothing.  It was the only thing that I really felt like I had control over.  So I over controlled it.  To the point that I got down to about 125 lbs., which is REALLY small for my frame.  I never saw myself as skinny.  I was.  My hip bones stuck out, along with my shoulders.  I would have competitions with myself about how little I could eat in a day and still keep going.  I always won.  Control.  I would have kept going if it hadn't been for my mom.  It was good for me to hang out with my mom, she is my best friend.  I was reminded of her love constantly.  She never told me I was wrong during this time, or that I needed to eat.  I am sure she wanted to.  She just loved me, period.

I have had a hard time with it since then.  I am always afraid to go on diets, or to try to lose weight for fear of getting back into that mindset.  Believe it or not, it still comes back to me.  I have to fight it.  I know I don't look like it, but maybe that is just it.  My fight with it leads me to eat too much.  It's my need for control.  Days that I struggle with control in my house (which believe it or not might be less than you think) I "control" what I eat, which is what I want.  It makes me feel satisfied...for about 15 minutes.  Then the feeling comes back. 

Control is an illusion.

We really don't have control, and I am trying to come to terms with that.  Well, what does this have to do with snacking.  For me, everything.  I have a tendency to over-control my snacking, or under-control it. I'm working on that. 

I think a big part of it comes with loving yourself.  I am getting a little better at that.  Some weeks/days are harder than others.  I will get there eventually.  I know I can. 

For right now, I am just trying, with the love and support of my husband, to make healthy snacking choices.  So what am I doing?  I am cutting up vegetables, just for the day (or they get gross to me) that I can snack on.  So many times I want something crunchy.  Well, carrots and celery are crunchy.  I want something salty, well, what about lightly salted nuts, just a handful usually satisfies that craving.  There are healthy choices out there for snacking.  I just have to have someone point them out to me. 

It's Hard

It's Hard.  Period. The End.  Everything is hard. Life is hard.  We just have to pick and choose the hard that we want to overcome.  One at a time.  We can't do it all at once.  Small goals that bring us little successes closer to the big goals.

I only weigh myself once a week.  That way I am not totally obsessing over the number on the scale and the little fluxuations that happen naturally depending on the time of the month and don't discourage me from the ultimate goal.  So I got on the scale the day after posting last week. 

I lost 5 lbs!

I was so happy.  All my hard work started to pay off.  It actually made me want to work harder.  Then the next day I woke up so sick I couldn't get out of bed.  I have been fighting a sinus thing for this whole last week and couldn't breathe well enough to really get into it.  I still try to do the other things that I would do throughout the day, but I am almost sure that I have gained all those 5 lbs back, or maybe just part of it. 

However, being sick this week has taught me something.  I noticed that the days that I don't exercise, I don't eat as well.  When I exercise, I feel good about myself and then think more of the good things that I need to put into it.  When I don't exercise, I don't feel as good, which means then I start craving the bad things.  Weird, isn't it.  It makes it extra hard to eat right on those non-exercise days. 

I can do hard things.

I can do it.  I will make it happen and again I am starting fresh this next Monday as I can finally breathe again.  It is never too late for a fresh start.  It doesn't even have to be at the beginning of the year, or the month, or the week.  Any day you want can be your fresh start day. 

Sometimes I feel so discouraged on the days that I haven't been strong enough to resist the food I don't need.  I only eat it because I know it tastes good, and not because I am hungry.  It is reprograming your mind.  When I get stressed with my kids (which is every day) my brain says, you need chocolate, you deserve it after cleaning up the 5th potty accident of the day and it's only 10am.  But I don't! I have to reprogram my brain. However, if I slip, I can try harder the rest of the day.  A fresh start doesn't even have to start at the beginning of the day. It just has to start.  Just say to yourself, I will do better.  That is all you need to do.  Do a little better everyday and it will pay off in the end.

POA

So I've come up with a Plan Of Action and calling it my POA. (I like acronyms)

First off, I have to remind myself that this is not a quick fix.  It is hard that things take a long time as we live in a Veruca Salt kind of world.  We want it now...enter fad diets and quick surgeries.  The unfortunate part is that people don't realize what these types of things do to your body. Without a lifestyle change, those "quick fixes" mean nothing.  Most just yo-yo back and forth in weight, which isn't good for your body either.  I am definitely guilty of that.  You have to be ready to change.

I am ready to change.

I am changing what I do. 
I used to have my kids run up the stairs for me quick to get something.  Now, I have to catch what I am saying, and do it myself.  I try to go up and down the stairs as much as I can every day.  I try to pick up as many things as possible, as bending over lots exercises my core.  I try and do squats as I clean to help. 
I also get up and exercise.  Like real exercising.  If I don't do it in the morning, it doesn't happen.  I try to get somewhere between 15 and 30 minutes of cardio in, then if I have time, do something else like abs, legs, arms, core, etc. Those are harder to do.  I would prefer to be starting breakfast as my kids get up so they can have a healthy breakfast too.  Ideally it would be nice to be showered and ready for the day before they get up as well.  Most days that doesn't happen, but I would like it to.

I am changing what I eat. 
This is one of the hardest things for me.  I love food.  And I mean really LOVE food.  I love to cook and bake and decorate cakes, and cupcakes.  I also love to eat what I make, because it tastes good.  After my second baby I had really decided to try out this Mediterranean diet.  I wasn't a huge fan of the recipes, but the portion control was what got me.  I was able to lose about 20 lbs. just doing portion control without exercise.
I am back on that bandwagon.  I am trying not to tell myself that I can't have anything.  I have noticed on the days that I am doing good with my portions and eating the right types of food, I don't crave or even think about sweets and junk that I otherwise want after a meal. 

I am changing how I feel about myself.
While losing weight is a great thing, and being healthy an even better one, the most important is that I learn to care for myself.  If I truly love myself, the other things will come that much easier.  So in a way, I am doing the former two so that I can change how I feel about myself and vice versa. 
However, I am also doing other things that help me recognize my self worth a little more.  I am studying my scriptures more and better.  This has helped immensely.  I am a child of God.  This is never so evident as when I am studying His words.  I am saying prayers more often.  I know that He is there, I know that He knows me, and I know that He loves me.

By doing these things, I know that I will get results.  I know that they won't come quickly, but they will come if I keep doing it.  I just have to be like Dori and "just keep swimming."

And so it begins...

As my first post on here, I am going to really throw myself out there.  I am feeling very vulnerable about things and this is really my journey for weight loss. 

This is me.

After the birth of our sixth child last year, I felt broken.  It was the hardest pregnancy I had with all my children, things just didn't feel right the whole time.  Labor was different than all the others.  Thankfully she came out normal with no problems.  But now recovery is even harder. 

I have never really had too much trouble with the baby blues, until this time.  There were days more often than not that I locked myself in my room with my baby for hours at a time.  My oldest held down the fort with the other kids because he is amazing like that.  I didn't want to do anything, let alone get out of bed.  I had no clothes that fit, which didn't help and I felt totally alone even though I was surrounded by other people. 

I felt like a failure.

And I didn't want anyone to know.  I didn't feel like myself, I felt broken.  I didn't like to do anything that I had previously loved.  I hated cooking and even thinking of being in the kitchen.  I had no desire to sew anything or use any of my cute craft projects.  I am grateful for good friends, my sweet husband, and loving mom, and other family that really helped me get through the roughest part. 

Is it over?  No.  Do I still struggle on a daily basis?  Yes.  Can I get through it? Yes, with time and love.  Not only other people loving me, which I see all the time, but me loving myself.  I have always, my whole life, struggled with that.  Love myself...but I know all my flaws, weaknesses...how can I love that?  I'm working on it.  It is a daily battle, but I am working on it.  Some days I win.  Some days I lose.  But if I can win more often than not, then that is progress.

With the PPD I have been fighting, weight has been another thing.  I feel broken. After almost four months post partum, I have not lost any weight.  I try to fight everyday.  My man bought me a home workout machine so that I could more easily work out.  I love it.  I use it every day.  My endurance increases everyday.  I feel stronger. 

No weight loss.

I am the biggest I have ever been, and that is hard.  I had to buy a size of clothes I never thought I would have to, and can't find pants that really fit comfortably.  So here I am, out there, vulnerable, trying to change. 

This is my journey, starting today to change forever.  No quick fixes here.  This is going to be a lifestyle change.  To be healthy...to be happy...to be confident.  And most importantly, to love myself..