Food is my arch enemy.
I have a definite love hate relationship with food. I love food, I love to make good food. I hate that I eat too much of it just because it tastes good. I hate that it makes me "feel good" when I am stressed or sad. Especially late at night.
I don't know what really caused this in my life. Food is a comfort for me...or maybe a control.
In high school, there was a point where I felt like I lost control of my life. I struggled with anorexia. I wanted boys to like me, they didn't. All my friends started going different ways my junior year, instead of my senior. I didn't really feel like I had any good friends besides my mom. So that is who I hung out with my senior year. I worked a lot, I hung out with my mom, and I ate nothing. It was the only thing that I really felt like I had control over. So I over controlled it. To the point that I got down to about 125 lbs., which is REALLY small for my frame. I never saw myself as skinny. I was. My hip bones stuck out, along with my shoulders. I would have competitions with myself about how little I could eat in a day and still keep going. I always won. Control. I would have kept going if it hadn't been for my mom. It was good for me to hang out with my mom, she is my best friend. I was reminded of her love constantly. She never told me I was wrong during this time, or that I needed to eat. I am sure she wanted to. She just loved me, period.
I have had a hard time with it since then. I am always afraid to go on diets, or to try to lose weight for fear of getting back into that mindset. Believe it or not, it still comes back to me. I have to fight it. I know I don't look like it, but maybe that is just it. My fight with it leads me to eat too much. It's my need for control. Days that I struggle with control in my house (which believe it or not might be less than you think) I "control" what I eat, which is what I want. It makes me feel satisfied...for about 15 minutes. Then the feeling comes back.
Control is an illusion.
We really don't have control, and I am trying to come to terms with that. Well, what does this have to do with snacking. For me, everything. I have a tendency to over-control my snacking, or under-control it. I'm working on that.
I think a big part of it comes with loving yourself. I am getting a little better at that. Some weeks/days are harder than others. I will get there eventually. I know I can.
For right now, I am just trying, with the love and support of my husband, to make healthy snacking choices. So what am I doing? I am cutting up vegetables, just for the day (or they get gross to me) that I can snack on. So many times I want something crunchy. Well, carrots and celery are crunchy. I want something salty, well, what about lightly salted nuts, just a handful usually satisfies that craving. There are healthy choices out there for snacking. I just have to have someone point them out to me.
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