There are things in life that we just don't fully understand until we have gone through them, or someone we love has gone through them. We usually have ideas about it, we hear about it, sometimes we are skeptical about it.
I think back to a time when I was young and my mom was sick and lost her voice. She sounded so funny trying to talk to us. I remember thinking, "why doesn't she just clear her throat?" That is what it sounded like to me. Just cough it up and get over it.
I used to wonder about depression as well. Not in quite the same way. It wasn't a "suck it up and get out of bed" thought. But more of a "why can't you see the good?" and "just try to be happy."
I get it now.
It is not that people that struggle with depression want to be sad. I have not met anyone that wants to feel that way. I don't want to feel that way. It also doesn't come with a reason. It doesn't matter what kind of circumstances you come from. Anyone can suffer from it. And some that do, you would never know. I've heard people say (and I used to be one of them), "they have no reason to be depressed." There is no reason to it. It is just there, and it is hard.
My PPD isn't nearly as "bad" as other peoples. I struggled a lot at first. Do I have a reason to be depressed? No, not at all. I have a loving husband who provides well for our family,works hard so I can stay home with my kids, and love me no matter what and puts up with my nonsense . I have had 6 healthy beautiful babies. I come from a good family that loves me. I have some pretty amazing friends that I don't always feel like I deserve. I've asked myself the same question, "why are you sad?" Sometimes even, "what right do you have to be sad?" I have not been able to answer these questions. I just am.
I read an article once by Marie Osmond on her suffering from PPD. She stated in that article that there was one thing that really pulled her out of it. Service. Her calling in her ward at church required a lot of service and she did it. It took her a while, but she was able to pull out of it.
I woke up this morning feeling sad, and tired. I guess I am not out of it yet. I don't like the feeling. I don't feel like I can even look at my husband when I feel that way...almost ashamed. All he is trying to do is love me and encourage me. Why do I feel this way? Does writing it down help? A little. I can get my thoughts out on paper (or computer) and it helps me organize it in my head. Do I always feel better? No! Sometimes it seems to make things worse at first. (Sometimes I feel like Gollum from the Lord of the Rings and his split personality.)
I try to reason myself out of it. It hasn't worked yet. But as I pondered it this morning while I am locked in my room, my thoughts kept turning back to this article from Marie, and to our lesson in Relief Society yesterday by one of my dear friends.
SERVICE
Service is the key. Who can I serve today that can help me get out of this place where my brain keeps trying to take me? The thought kept coming back. Serve your kids. No way, I do that all day, every day. Serve your children. What?! What else can I do for them? Serve your children. So I am trying that today. We will see how it goes.
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