Snacking

I love food.  I hate food.  I love food... and the battle goes on.

Food is my arch enemy.

I have a definite love hate relationship with food.  I love food, I love to make good food.  I hate that I eat too much of it just because it tastes good.  I hate that it makes me "feel good" when I am stressed or sad.  Especially late at night. 

I don't know what really caused this in my life.  Food is a comfort for me...or maybe a control.

In high school, there was a point where I felt like I lost control of my life.  I struggled with anorexia.  I wanted boys to like me, they didn't.  All my friends started going different ways my junior year, instead of my senior.  I didn't really feel like I had any good friends besides my mom.  So that is who I hung out with my senior year.  I worked a lot, I hung out with my mom, and I ate nothing.  It was the only thing that I really felt like I had control over.  So I over controlled it.  To the point that I got down to about 125 lbs., which is REALLY small for my frame.  I never saw myself as skinny.  I was.  My hip bones stuck out, along with my shoulders.  I would have competitions with myself about how little I could eat in a day and still keep going.  I always won.  Control.  I would have kept going if it hadn't been for my mom.  It was good for me to hang out with my mom, she is my best friend.  I was reminded of her love constantly.  She never told me I was wrong during this time, or that I needed to eat.  I am sure she wanted to.  She just loved me, period.

I have had a hard time with it since then.  I am always afraid to go on diets, or to try to lose weight for fear of getting back into that mindset.  Believe it or not, it still comes back to me.  I have to fight it.  I know I don't look like it, but maybe that is just it.  My fight with it leads me to eat too much.  It's my need for control.  Days that I struggle with control in my house (which believe it or not might be less than you think) I "control" what I eat, which is what I want.  It makes me feel satisfied...for about 15 minutes.  Then the feeling comes back. 

Control is an illusion.

We really don't have control, and I am trying to come to terms with that.  Well, what does this have to do with snacking.  For me, everything.  I have a tendency to over-control my snacking, or under-control it. I'm working on that. 

I think a big part of it comes with loving yourself.  I am getting a little better at that.  Some weeks/days are harder than others.  I will get there eventually.  I know I can. 

For right now, I am just trying, with the love and support of my husband, to make healthy snacking choices.  So what am I doing?  I am cutting up vegetables, just for the day (or they get gross to me) that I can snack on.  So many times I want something crunchy.  Well, carrots and celery are crunchy.  I want something salty, well, what about lightly salted nuts, just a handful usually satisfies that craving.  There are healthy choices out there for snacking.  I just have to have someone point them out to me. 

Drowning

There are so many times as a parent that I feel like I am drowning.  I constantly think about Jim Gaffigan and his stand ups about having 4 children (and I have two more).  He says "Imagine you're drowning, then someone hands you a baby." I feel like that a lot of days. 

Last week was a rough week. I struggled in so many ways.  I just felt out of it constantly, and so easily frustrated.  I couldn't wake up in the morning, and I was going to bed at 9pm most nights.  I couldn't even force myself to exercise.  Everything made me angry.  I felt like my kids were out to get me, not listening on purpose, my husband didn't care how I felt.  Was any of that true? Of course not.  I have the best husband in the world that cares about me deeply and would do anything for me.  I know that my kids love me, but just have mom deafness (still trying to work on that).  In my logical brain, I know that.  My emotional brain it is a lot harder to convince. 

By Friday, I had just about had it.  I was ready to give in and throw in the towel.  We had planned to go down to Oklahoma City and attend the LDS temple.  I wanted to go.  It had been so long since we have been able to go. I got things together as it is would be at least a 6 hour round trip, but I did it begrudgingly.  The morning of was still stressful, and I still didn't feel up to par emotionally.  But I did it, and we went.

It wasn't until we were in the middle of the session at the temple that I truly felt the spirit.  As I got into the celestial room the spirit was so strong. 

The celestial room in the temple is a very special sacred place.  It is a symbol of the peace we can receive by living the gospel of Jesus Christ.  The spirit of the Lord is always so strong in there.  It is a place that I never want to leave.  And a place that I always learn something new about myself.

I know I have a long way to go, and I have a lot that I need to improve on, but I didn't come away from the temple feeling overwhelmed or out of control as I had the past week.  I felt uplifted.  I knew that the Lord was on MY side and was there to help me when I need it.  But I also know that it will not be easy.  There will still be days when I want to quit.  There will still be times that I feel overwhelmed, probably frequently.  It will never be easy, but it will be possible...as long as I can lean on Him and not try to do it all by myself. 

Overcoming

There are things in life that we just don't fully understand until we have gone through them, or someone we love has gone through them.  We usually have ideas about it, we hear about it, sometimes we are skeptical about it. 

I think back to a time when I was young and my mom was sick and lost her voice.  She sounded so funny trying to talk to us.  I remember thinking, "why doesn't she just clear her throat?"  That is what it sounded like to me.  Just cough it up and get over it. 

I used to wonder about depression as well.  Not in quite the same way.  It wasn't a "suck it up and get out of bed" thought.  But more of a "why can't you see the good?" and "just try to be happy." 

I get it now.

It is not that people that struggle with depression want to be sad.  I have not met anyone that wants to feel that way.  I don't want to feel that way.  It also doesn't come with a reason.  It doesn't matter what kind of circumstances you come from.  Anyone can suffer from it.  And some that do, you would never know.  I've heard people say (and I used to be one of them), "they have no reason to be depressed."  There is no reason to it.  It is just there, and it is hard.

My PPD isn't nearly as "bad" as other peoples.  I struggled a lot at first.  Do I have a reason to be depressed?  No, not at all.  I have a loving husband who provides well for our family,works hard so I can stay home with my kids, and love me no matter what and puts up with my nonsense .  I have had 6 healthy beautiful babies.  I come from a good family that loves me.  I have some pretty amazing friends that I don't always feel like I deserve.  I've asked myself the same question, "why are you sad?" Sometimes even, "what right do you have to be sad?" I have not been able to answer these questions.  I just am.

I read an article once by Marie Osmond on her suffering from PPD.  She stated in that article that there was one thing that really pulled her out of it.  Service.  Her calling in her ward at church required a lot of service and she did it.  It took her a while, but she was able to pull out of it.

I woke up this morning feeling sad, and tired.  I guess I am not out of it yet.  I don't like the feeling.  I don't feel like I can even look at my husband when I feel that way...almost ashamed.  All he is trying to do is love me and encourage me.  Why do I feel this way? Does writing it down help? A little. I can get my thoughts out on paper (or computer) and it helps me organize it in my head.  Do I always feel better? No! Sometimes it seems to make things worse at first.  (Sometimes I feel like Gollum from the Lord of the Rings and his split personality.)

I try to reason myself out of it.  It hasn't worked yet.  But as I pondered it this morning while I am locked in my room, my thoughts kept turning back to this article from Marie, and to our lesson in Relief Society yesterday by one of my dear friends.

SERVICE

Service is the key.  Who can I serve today that can help me get out of this place where my brain keeps trying to take me? The thought kept coming back.  Serve your kids.  No way, I do that all day, every day.  Serve your children. What?! What else can I do for them? Serve your children. So I am trying that today.  We will see how it goes.