It has been a while...

Yes, it has been a while since I have blogged. 

Let me explain why.  Life.  That's why.  That is why my house isn't always clean.  That is why we sometimes eat cheese-its and apple juice for lunch.  That is why I don't always get to exercise.  It is also why sometimes I don't get a shower, or get to get really ready for the day.

I have 6 kids.  They are all about two years apart and although it is fun and I wouldn't change it for anything, it makes it hard sometimes.  I love it though.  If I didn't love it, I wouldn't have done it. 

Recently I have had some "health" issues.  Kind of crazy actually.  I all of a sudden got this crazy infection in my leg called an abscess.  For those who don't know, an abscess is a pocket, if you will, of puss and infection under the skin, and is REALLY painful.  In order for it to get better it has to drain.  Sometimes it does this on its own, and sometimes it has to be drained by a doctor.  Mine was the latter.  It had to be sliced open, drained, and then kept open so it could continue to drain without leaving the infection inside.  That was rough.  I could hardly walk, or sit, or lay, or move for about a week. 

I guess it kind of serves me right.  My husband had this same kind of thing when he was in school.  He was trying to "be a man" about it I guess, and didn't communicate with me much about what was happening until I had to take him to the hospital and went through numerous surgeries for a horseshoe shaped abscess around his colon.  It was rough on him, but I didn't know.  He didn't tell me.  Now I understand, and I kept telling him how sorry I was that he went through all of that and his was 1000x worse than what I had.  The next week of recovery I was doing pretty good. I could exercise a little again, I could be up and around and I was really able to control my eating again.

I love basketball.  I love watching it (college, that is), and I really love playing it.  A group of friends and I joined a basketball tournament that we have been practicing for for a couple of months.  I was really excited and kind of nervous to play.  The tournament was this last Saturday and we had a blast.  There were 4-5 teams, and it was double elimination.  First team we beat pretty soundly.  It was fun.  I was so excited to play.  The second game was more of a competition.  It was a good team and we had to fight hard.  It was still fun! I loved it.  My aggression was really coming out.  Basketball is the place where my competitive and aggressive side shines through.  I was trying to rebound, and post up, and go for loose balls.  Apparently my mind still thinks I am still in my basketball prime...its not.  I was chasing after a loose ball.  My hand reached out for it, I was almost there.  My foot planted and my lower leg went in, and upper leg stayed still. 

I consider myself to have pretty high pain tolerance, and it was excruciating!  I collapsed and was down for the count.  Although it was a different kind of pain, it was definitely on the same level as child birth.  My toes lost feeling quickly and I felt like I couldn't move them. 

I am so grateful that my husband was there.  I go through pain much better with him around.  Thankfully there was a medical student there that knew what he was doing and checked out my knee.  He said he thinks that it is just a MCL sprain, which is the ligament on the inside of the knee.  He told me to use RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevate) and give it time. 

So needless to say, I am down for the count.  My knee is swollen, and I can't move it all too much without pain.  I definitely cannot put weight on it.  My brain says it should be healing faster than it is.  But in all reality, it has only been a little over 36 hours.  They take time. 

So for now, I am hobbling around on crutches and trying really hard to not eat my feelings.  That is much harder.  I hurt and want comfort, and chocolate chips.. :)  I eat what I have around me.  I need to change what is around me. 

Snacking

I love food.  I hate food.  I love food... and the battle goes on.

Food is my arch enemy.

I have a definite love hate relationship with food.  I love food, I love to make good food.  I hate that I eat too much of it just because it tastes good.  I hate that it makes me "feel good" when I am stressed or sad.  Especially late at night. 

I don't know what really caused this in my life.  Food is a comfort for me...or maybe a control.

In high school, there was a point where I felt like I lost control of my life.  I struggled with anorexia.  I wanted boys to like me, they didn't.  All my friends started going different ways my junior year, instead of my senior.  I didn't really feel like I had any good friends besides my mom.  So that is who I hung out with my senior year.  I worked a lot, I hung out with my mom, and I ate nothing.  It was the only thing that I really felt like I had control over.  So I over controlled it.  To the point that I got down to about 125 lbs., which is REALLY small for my frame.  I never saw myself as skinny.  I was.  My hip bones stuck out, along with my shoulders.  I would have competitions with myself about how little I could eat in a day and still keep going.  I always won.  Control.  I would have kept going if it hadn't been for my mom.  It was good for me to hang out with my mom, she is my best friend.  I was reminded of her love constantly.  She never told me I was wrong during this time, or that I needed to eat.  I am sure she wanted to.  She just loved me, period.

I have had a hard time with it since then.  I am always afraid to go on diets, or to try to lose weight for fear of getting back into that mindset.  Believe it or not, it still comes back to me.  I have to fight it.  I know I don't look like it, but maybe that is just it.  My fight with it leads me to eat too much.  It's my need for control.  Days that I struggle with control in my house (which believe it or not might be less than you think) I "control" what I eat, which is what I want.  It makes me feel satisfied...for about 15 minutes.  Then the feeling comes back. 

Control is an illusion.

We really don't have control, and I am trying to come to terms with that.  Well, what does this have to do with snacking.  For me, everything.  I have a tendency to over-control my snacking, or under-control it. I'm working on that. 

I think a big part of it comes with loving yourself.  I am getting a little better at that.  Some weeks/days are harder than others.  I will get there eventually.  I know I can. 

For right now, I am just trying, with the love and support of my husband, to make healthy snacking choices.  So what am I doing?  I am cutting up vegetables, just for the day (or they get gross to me) that I can snack on.  So many times I want something crunchy.  Well, carrots and celery are crunchy.  I want something salty, well, what about lightly salted nuts, just a handful usually satisfies that craving.  There are healthy choices out there for snacking.  I just have to have someone point them out to me. 

Drowning

There are so many times as a parent that I feel like I am drowning.  I constantly think about Jim Gaffigan and his stand ups about having 4 children (and I have two more).  He says "Imagine you're drowning, then someone hands you a baby." I feel like that a lot of days. 

Last week was a rough week. I struggled in so many ways.  I just felt out of it constantly, and so easily frustrated.  I couldn't wake up in the morning, and I was going to bed at 9pm most nights.  I couldn't even force myself to exercise.  Everything made me angry.  I felt like my kids were out to get me, not listening on purpose, my husband didn't care how I felt.  Was any of that true? Of course not.  I have the best husband in the world that cares about me deeply and would do anything for me.  I know that my kids love me, but just have mom deafness (still trying to work on that).  In my logical brain, I know that.  My emotional brain it is a lot harder to convince. 

By Friday, I had just about had it.  I was ready to give in and throw in the towel.  We had planned to go down to Oklahoma City and attend the LDS temple.  I wanted to go.  It had been so long since we have been able to go. I got things together as it is would be at least a 6 hour round trip, but I did it begrudgingly.  The morning of was still stressful, and I still didn't feel up to par emotionally.  But I did it, and we went.

It wasn't until we were in the middle of the session at the temple that I truly felt the spirit.  As I got into the celestial room the spirit was so strong. 

The celestial room in the temple is a very special sacred place.  It is a symbol of the peace we can receive by living the gospel of Jesus Christ.  The spirit of the Lord is always so strong in there.  It is a place that I never want to leave.  And a place that I always learn something new about myself.

I know I have a long way to go, and I have a lot that I need to improve on, but I didn't come away from the temple feeling overwhelmed or out of control as I had the past week.  I felt uplifted.  I knew that the Lord was on MY side and was there to help me when I need it.  But I also know that it will not be easy.  There will still be days when I want to quit.  There will still be times that I feel overwhelmed, probably frequently.  It will never be easy, but it will be possible...as long as I can lean on Him and not try to do it all by myself. 

Overcoming

There are things in life that we just don't fully understand until we have gone through them, or someone we love has gone through them.  We usually have ideas about it, we hear about it, sometimes we are skeptical about it. 

I think back to a time when I was young and my mom was sick and lost her voice.  She sounded so funny trying to talk to us.  I remember thinking, "why doesn't she just clear her throat?"  That is what it sounded like to me.  Just cough it up and get over it. 

I used to wonder about depression as well.  Not in quite the same way.  It wasn't a "suck it up and get out of bed" thought.  But more of a "why can't you see the good?" and "just try to be happy." 

I get it now.

It is not that people that struggle with depression want to be sad.  I have not met anyone that wants to feel that way.  I don't want to feel that way.  It also doesn't come with a reason.  It doesn't matter what kind of circumstances you come from.  Anyone can suffer from it.  And some that do, you would never know.  I've heard people say (and I used to be one of them), "they have no reason to be depressed."  There is no reason to it.  It is just there, and it is hard.

My PPD isn't nearly as "bad" as other peoples.  I struggled a lot at first.  Do I have a reason to be depressed?  No, not at all.  I have a loving husband who provides well for our family,works hard so I can stay home with my kids, and love me no matter what and puts up with my nonsense .  I have had 6 healthy beautiful babies.  I come from a good family that loves me.  I have some pretty amazing friends that I don't always feel like I deserve.  I've asked myself the same question, "why are you sad?" Sometimes even, "what right do you have to be sad?" I have not been able to answer these questions.  I just am.

I read an article once by Marie Osmond on her suffering from PPD.  She stated in that article that there was one thing that really pulled her out of it.  Service.  Her calling in her ward at church required a lot of service and she did it.  It took her a while, but she was able to pull out of it.

I woke up this morning feeling sad, and tired.  I guess I am not out of it yet.  I don't like the feeling.  I don't feel like I can even look at my husband when I feel that way...almost ashamed.  All he is trying to do is love me and encourage me.  Why do I feel this way? Does writing it down help? A little. I can get my thoughts out on paper (or computer) and it helps me organize it in my head.  Do I always feel better? No! Sometimes it seems to make things worse at first.  (Sometimes I feel like Gollum from the Lord of the Rings and his split personality.)

I try to reason myself out of it.  It hasn't worked yet.  But as I pondered it this morning while I am locked in my room, my thoughts kept turning back to this article from Marie, and to our lesson in Relief Society yesterday by one of my dear friends.

SERVICE

Service is the key.  Who can I serve today that can help me get out of this place where my brain keeps trying to take me? The thought kept coming back.  Serve your kids.  No way, I do that all day, every day.  Serve your children. What?! What else can I do for them? Serve your children. So I am trying that today.  We will see how it goes. 

It's Hard

It's Hard.  Period. The End.  Everything is hard. Life is hard.  We just have to pick and choose the hard that we want to overcome.  One at a time.  We can't do it all at once.  Small goals that bring us little successes closer to the big goals.

I only weigh myself once a week.  That way I am not totally obsessing over the number on the scale and the little fluxuations that happen naturally depending on the time of the month and don't discourage me from the ultimate goal.  So I got on the scale the day after posting last week. 

I lost 5 lbs!

I was so happy.  All my hard work started to pay off.  It actually made me want to work harder.  Then the next day I woke up so sick I couldn't get out of bed.  I have been fighting a sinus thing for this whole last week and couldn't breathe well enough to really get into it.  I still try to do the other things that I would do throughout the day, but I am almost sure that I have gained all those 5 lbs back, or maybe just part of it. 

However, being sick this week has taught me something.  I noticed that the days that I don't exercise, I don't eat as well.  When I exercise, I feel good about myself and then think more of the good things that I need to put into it.  When I don't exercise, I don't feel as good, which means then I start craving the bad things.  Weird, isn't it.  It makes it extra hard to eat right on those non-exercise days. 

I can do hard things.

I can do it.  I will make it happen and again I am starting fresh this next Monday as I can finally breathe again.  It is never too late for a fresh start.  It doesn't even have to be at the beginning of the year, or the month, or the week.  Any day you want can be your fresh start day. 

Sometimes I feel so discouraged on the days that I haven't been strong enough to resist the food I don't need.  I only eat it because I know it tastes good, and not because I am hungry.  It is reprograming your mind.  When I get stressed with my kids (which is every day) my brain says, you need chocolate, you deserve it after cleaning up the 5th potty accident of the day and it's only 10am.  But I don't! I have to reprogram my brain. However, if I slip, I can try harder the rest of the day.  A fresh start doesn't even have to start at the beginning of the day. It just has to start.  Just say to yourself, I will do better.  That is all you need to do.  Do a little better everyday and it will pay off in the end.

POA

So I've come up with a Plan Of Action and calling it my POA. (I like acronyms)

First off, I have to remind myself that this is not a quick fix.  It is hard that things take a long time as we live in a Veruca Salt kind of world.  We want it now...enter fad diets and quick surgeries.  The unfortunate part is that people don't realize what these types of things do to your body. Without a lifestyle change, those "quick fixes" mean nothing.  Most just yo-yo back and forth in weight, which isn't good for your body either.  I am definitely guilty of that.  You have to be ready to change.

I am ready to change.

I am changing what I do. 
I used to have my kids run up the stairs for me quick to get something.  Now, I have to catch what I am saying, and do it myself.  I try to go up and down the stairs as much as I can every day.  I try to pick up as many things as possible, as bending over lots exercises my core.  I try and do squats as I clean to help. 
I also get up and exercise.  Like real exercising.  If I don't do it in the morning, it doesn't happen.  I try to get somewhere between 15 and 30 minutes of cardio in, then if I have time, do something else like abs, legs, arms, core, etc. Those are harder to do.  I would prefer to be starting breakfast as my kids get up so they can have a healthy breakfast too.  Ideally it would be nice to be showered and ready for the day before they get up as well.  Most days that doesn't happen, but I would like it to.

I am changing what I eat. 
This is one of the hardest things for me.  I love food.  And I mean really LOVE food.  I love to cook and bake and decorate cakes, and cupcakes.  I also love to eat what I make, because it tastes good.  After my second baby I had really decided to try out this Mediterranean diet.  I wasn't a huge fan of the recipes, but the portion control was what got me.  I was able to lose about 20 lbs. just doing portion control without exercise.
I am back on that bandwagon.  I am trying not to tell myself that I can't have anything.  I have noticed on the days that I am doing good with my portions and eating the right types of food, I don't crave or even think about sweets and junk that I otherwise want after a meal. 

I am changing how I feel about myself.
While losing weight is a great thing, and being healthy an even better one, the most important is that I learn to care for myself.  If I truly love myself, the other things will come that much easier.  So in a way, I am doing the former two so that I can change how I feel about myself and vice versa. 
However, I am also doing other things that help me recognize my self worth a little more.  I am studying my scriptures more and better.  This has helped immensely.  I am a child of God.  This is never so evident as when I am studying His words.  I am saying prayers more often.  I know that He is there, I know that He knows me, and I know that He loves me.

By doing these things, I know that I will get results.  I know that they won't come quickly, but they will come if I keep doing it.  I just have to be like Dori and "just keep swimming."

One on one

Sometimes I think that I am failing as a parent.  And then there are some days that I feel like a winner.  Today was a bipolar day. 

This morning started out great.  I slept in just a little bit because I had felt like I was starting to get sick, and was still able to exercise.  Then in a great turn of events I was able to take just my oldest with me to finish some scouting stuff and grocery shopping.  I really enjoy spending this time with my kids.  I don't get to do it very often because we have a busy life.  They really come out of their shells when we do this. 

We got to go visit the Blue Whale of Catoosa on Route 66.  It was fun to see him explore by himself.  If I didn't have the baby with me, I would have done more with him.  Even grocery shopping gives us giggly fun time.  Spending this time with them helps me remember how good they are and how much I love them.

And so it begins...

As my first post on here, I am going to really throw myself out there.  I am feeling very vulnerable about things and this is really my journey for weight loss. 

This is me.

After the birth of our sixth child last year, I felt broken.  It was the hardest pregnancy I had with all my children, things just didn't feel right the whole time.  Labor was different than all the others.  Thankfully she came out normal with no problems.  But now recovery is even harder. 

I have never really had too much trouble with the baby blues, until this time.  There were days more often than not that I locked myself in my room with my baby for hours at a time.  My oldest held down the fort with the other kids because he is amazing like that.  I didn't want to do anything, let alone get out of bed.  I had no clothes that fit, which didn't help and I felt totally alone even though I was surrounded by other people. 

I felt like a failure.

And I didn't want anyone to know.  I didn't feel like myself, I felt broken.  I didn't like to do anything that I had previously loved.  I hated cooking and even thinking of being in the kitchen.  I had no desire to sew anything or use any of my cute craft projects.  I am grateful for good friends, my sweet husband, and loving mom, and other family that really helped me get through the roughest part. 

Is it over?  No.  Do I still struggle on a daily basis?  Yes.  Can I get through it? Yes, with time and love.  Not only other people loving me, which I see all the time, but me loving myself.  I have always, my whole life, struggled with that.  Love myself...but I know all my flaws, weaknesses...how can I love that?  I'm working on it.  It is a daily battle, but I am working on it.  Some days I win.  Some days I lose.  But if I can win more often than not, then that is progress.

With the PPD I have been fighting, weight has been another thing.  I feel broken. After almost four months post partum, I have not lost any weight.  I try to fight everyday.  My man bought me a home workout machine so that I could more easily work out.  I love it.  I use it every day.  My endurance increases everyday.  I feel stronger. 

No weight loss.

I am the biggest I have ever been, and that is hard.  I had to buy a size of clothes I never thought I would have to, and can't find pants that really fit comfortably.  So here I am, out there, vulnerable, trying to change. 

This is my journey, starting today to change forever.  No quick fixes here.  This is going to be a lifestyle change.  To be healthy...to be happy...to be confident.  And most importantly, to love myself..

As an introduction to this blog, I have decided to start it for several reasons.  For one, I am horrible at keeping a journal, Two, I feel that writing down my journey may help me sort things out in my head.  Finally, I feel it will give me some sort of accountability.

With that being said, let me introduce myself and family.  My name is Melissa.  I am married to a wonderful man who takes care of me and our family.  Together we have 6 children...yes 6...1 boy and 5 girls ranging in age from 10 down to 4 months.  We live in the south/Midwest transplanted from the west coast.  We have lived all over the country and loved the experiences we have gained. 

I love to craft, cook, bake, decorate cakes, and sew.  We also homeschool 4 out of the 6 children (the other two are too young). Life is good and we love it.  As I get better at this blogging thing, I will reorganize this blog to make it more useful for me and anyone that happens to read it.  I am just still new to all of this.

So come join me on my journey through life of homeschool, cooking, getting healthy with possibly even some weight loss.  It will be a wild ride I promise.